It’s okay. Say “No.”
For as long as I can remember, I have always been a highly effective, highly productive person with an aptitude for leadership. To put it plainly, I know how to make things happen. Or, at the very least, I know how to figure out how to make things happen. It doesn’t make me any more or less special than anyone else. What this does mean, however, is that people ask me for favors or help quite frequently.
This is likely the story of so many leaders in the world. We find ourselves fielding requests all the time. Naturally, as your network grows and more people see the amazing person that you are, you eventually run into a rather significant problem: you are only one person and you cannot do everything that is asked of you.
When I talk to people that I mentor or coach, especially those who are younger in their careers and sit in leadership roles, there is a word that they are loathe to use when people come to them. In fact, avoiding this word is somewhat natural because part of the reason they have become as skilled and knowledgeable is by challenging themselves to do the things people ask of them. And yet, I promise I am not lying when I say that it’s okay to utter this glorious, two letter word: No.
It is simultaneously incredibly powerful and scary. So many of us are taught to be amiable and agreeable. We are taught, from very young ages, to help others who are in need if we’re able. That, right there, is the key: are you able? When you take a look at all of your commitments, do you actually have the time and capacity to do the thing that’s asked of you? What happens when you do not, and you say yes anyway? And why would people actually want you to say no?
1. It helps them manage their own expectations.
Okay, let’s get real. When people ask you for something, no they don’t want to be dismissed and they’re hoping you’ll say yes. And yet, when you decide to become a people-pleaser and constantly say yes to people, you inevitably will end up not meeting expectations sooner or later. You will find yourself agreeing to things that you not only have no desire to do, but that you actually can’t do (whether due to time constraints or skill). At that point, you risk your integrity being called into question because what you say you can do and what you end up doing may not align. If you actually do not have the time to do what is asked of you in the time someone is asking you to complete it, or if you cannot complete a project to a certain level of quality, people want you to tell them that. They want you to say, “No, I can’t do that at this time.”
2. It helps them learn your boundaries.
There are some people in this world who will continue to ask you for things, simply to test your boundaries. This includes friends, co-workers, and even those leading you. The sad truth is that when you are uncertain of your boundaries, or where you have not made those boundaries clear, people will take advantage of you. Often times, they don’t even mean to do it. Instead, they might see you as someone who actually really looks forward to supporting their requests. When you neglect to establish these boundaries, when people become accustomed to you saying yes, you then run into a sticky situation. You have established yourself as someone who always says yes, who will go out of their way to make it work. Know that if and when you do decide to begin establishing (or redrawing) boundaries, it won’t feel good. For them, or for you. But it’s often temporary and it’s better than acquiescing to every request that comes your way. What can easily happen is that you might become resentful of those people, who will not understand the shift in attitude. So, rather than allowing resentment to fester, people want you to say, “No, I don’t think I have the capacity for that.”
3. It builds mutual respect as they learn your limitations.
This may seem similar to the previous note, but it’s significantly different. This is speaking to your actual ability. When we’re eager and young, sometimes we will take on projects or tasks that we have no idea how to do. But we figure, hey, we’re smart people. We can figure it out. As you grow in your career, however, this can become a bit dangerous and serves you less and less. While I will always encourage people to learn new things, there are times when the risk of experimenting with something you’re unfamiliar becomes reckless. If someone asks you to perform open-heart surgery on someone and you aren’t a surgeon, would you do it? The same should be true in professional settings — be honest about what you do and don’t know. There are times when people will have such faith in your talents and skills that they’ll ask you to do it anyway. And then there will be times when you’ll have to pass up on an opportunity. Be okay with the limitations you have. They’re also part of your story. Believe it or not, people want to hear you tell them, “No, I’m not the best person to help with this.”
Some of us treat “no” as if it’s a swear word in the professional world, but it’s because most of us have been conditioned to avoid that word. It can feel like we’re being uncooperative or unhelpful. It can feel like we’re missing an opportunity. But I think we have to respect ourselves, our craft, our talents, our friends, and our peers enough to embrace that word and respect it for the power it holds.
So. What are you saying “no” to today?
